Moving Day

Our offices are moving across the water...We are now officially losing our gorgeous view of Tampa Bay. I should take some pics and post them as a reminder of how nice it was. Anyhow, it has been complete chaos around here. Not only are we moving, but we are simultaneously training on our new phone systems as well, while trying not to get taken out by all these storms we have had to endure. Our new building is going to definitely be an experience. It is extremely nice, but it comes with all these new rules and regulations..Look but don't touch kinda thing. We'll see how long that lasts.

My bloodwork came back and my HcG levels were @ 531, which is still high considering I'm no longer pregnant. I have to go back weekly to have my blood drawn and then monthly for a few months just to keep on top of it all. We cannot get pregnant for another year. Things are a lot easier to deal with than a few weeks ago, even a few days ago. I like that fact that I can release a little in this blog, even if I dont tell it all here(I still keep an actual written journal as well, although I dont write in either place as much as Id like to lately...).

My lil Killa is growing so big...just not gaining much weight..lol. He had his 15 month checkup last week and he's healthy as a horse. He's in the 88th percentile for his height, and 25th for his weight. I need to put a lil meat on my boy's bones. Funny thing is, he eats like crazy...but he likes to run, fast too. I ran a little in school, and 2 of my sisters do as well. One did extremely well in sports, track and basketball mostly. I would actually like to try Killa out in soccer. I always wanted to play, but was more partial to basketball, then my interests really turned when I started liking theatre. Killa seems to be quite dramatic at times, more in a clownish way tho, like his dad. He can too funny, and I love it! He is into imitation now, and if he sees me or his dad do anything, he does it. It is so funny just to watch him nowadays. I wish I had a video camera on 24/7, just to film him being him. Its like watching someone come into their own, realizing that HEY...Ive got all this stuff, lets see what I can do. He has picked up some of his dad's gestures as well, which are so sweet. Like crossing his arms over his chest if he is just standing around, that is my favorite.

Well that is all for now...Off to watch America's Next Top Model...Who knew I would get addicted to this show???? Im loving it!!

Could it all be so simple....

I have just not been up to keeping on top of my blog these days. I have a few updates to expand upon once again.

1. They are closing on our property next week(supposedly) and we are due to be in our new home by the end of the year. That SOUNDS so good, but we are just playing it by ear. It does give us a few months to get a lot of things done. Pay off a few things, make sure all is in order with the credit, put away a lil bit more into our accounts, and just plain relax. We have been so caught up with what, when, where, and how this thing was going to finally happen, so it will just be a breath of fresh air to sit back and let it all unfold.

2. I got my increase! It is due to be in my next pay period, which is next week. I am also due for my annual increase, upon review of course, as well as I have changed my shift from 9-6 to 10-7 which gives me another 8% on top of everything else. You gotta love working in the call center environment. I have also been bringing home beaucoup $$ from OT, which is still running strong. I don't mind getting my feet wet again, troubleshooting on the phones and actually helping someone out that appreciates it. Sometimes it feels like Quality Assurance can be a thankless job, as none of our employees feels we are there to make them better reps, only out to get them on some sort of personal vendetta. Yea right, thats how I wanna spend my time, getting revenge on some computer geek that I barely know, for what? Ish and giggles I suppose. They can be too funny sometimes, but that is another post all in itself.

3. My car is fixed!! My Black Stallion will be on the road very soon. She is officially fixed, but is still at the shop, as we did not have 2k to fork over at once. Luckily, our mechanic is very understanding and is working with a lil payment plan. He even found me another engine with less mileage. We are thinking of flipping this car once its up on the road, maybe getting a nice $3500-4000 for her. Shes in great condition and with that mileage on it for a 94 Maxima, I think she will be well sought after. We are looking to take what we get, stash a grand and put the rest on a new-er car. At least one thats in this decade. It will be a hot minute b4 I see myself with a brand new car, and to be honest, I am not too particular about it. We are checking out some in the 2000-2002 range. We shall see how that unfolds.

4. I have been recuping from the procedure I had done a few days back. Now more unfolds in that situation. I called to make a follow up appt as the second week draws to a close, only to get a call the very next day from my dr, asking me to come in as soon as possible. Mind you, the nurse actually called, and has no tact or empathy whatsoever. She just blurts out something about "We need you to come in as soon as you can. Did the dr tell you about a possible molar pregnancy?" Im like "uhhh whats that" She completely disregarded that and just went on to determine when I would be in to take some blood test. Now this pisses me off to no end, but I am also a little scared at this point. Of course, me being the nerd that I am, went directly on the internet to find all the info I could on molar pregnancies. There is a lot of info to be found, so I got my share. To sum, something happened when the egg was fertilized, like it is either a normal egg fertlized by two sperm, or and abnormal egg with no genetic info is fertlized. This in turn somehow causes abnormal tissue to form in place of, or in addition to the normal placenta and embryo. The abnormal tissue can be left behind, even after the procedure has been done, and since this is abnormal cell growth that takes place it can at times spread and actually form some type of pregnancy cancer. CANCER...that is the only word that stuck as I was reading everything. More info can be found here Molar Pregnancy. This is such a rare occurrence in the US and I cannot believe that I was even at risk, but from the other womens' stories I have been reading, it happens more than people know. It has been reassuring to read these womens' stories, to get their perspectives, firsthand, and see what they went through. A few of them even had to go through actual chemotherapy until all was normal again. Tomorrow I go for my first blood test. They have to monitor my hCG levels, as with a molar pregnancy, they are usually higher than normal. Most women have had to undergo blood tests and pelvic exams for up to a year, starting weekly/biweekly, then monthly to test for more tissue growth.

OK. WHEW. That was a lot to get off my chest just then. I had to take a breath and just relax and release. It feels good to write it all out, because it actually gave me a better understanding of it all. I am just kinda ready to get tomorrow over with already. So then I will know what to expect for the next few months. It seems like as soon as I was just starting to move forward with the loss, something pulled me right back into it.

Anywho... i am just taking things one day at a time right now. I have a lot to be thankful for, and feel that I have always been blessed. I just need to find my strength now to continue being the wife and mother I have been while all this takes place.

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Well it has been another long moment since Ive entered the blogging world. I have had a very trying weekend, to say the least.

Updates....

Trivial things:
The house is not even started on yet, but 3 hurricanes in the last month might explain it all... We heard back from our builder and things are due to be taking place soon it seems, within 6 weeks time he says. We shall see...

Still waiting on my pay grade bump. No end in sight to that one either it seems.


More importantly, I lost the baby, or rather, the baby was not there. I had what is called a blighted ovum, where I was initially pregnant, and my uterus grew in size as it should normally, but the fetus, for some reason or another did not. Its very weird. I went in for my first prenatal appt, excited, ready to take on this new life growing inside of me. I wasnt due to have an ultrasound, since I was only 8 weeks along, but the technician had the time that morning, so I was seen. I knew something was wrong, when she kept trying different angles and positions. I knew something wasnt right because I didnt see what I saw when I first saw Killa on that monitor. The technician flat out told me, "this is not good". I went back to see the dr and just as I had feared, there was no baby. The fetus had just stopped growing at some point, probably early on. All that was left was this sac and the yolk, i suppose. I stopped listening after a while. They said they were sorry, but all I heard was NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY. I was too stunned to cry, and i think thats what they expected. I do recall hearing that i needed to make a decision: either wait to miscarry once my body actually realized there was no baby, only this tissue that it did not need to have inside; or I could have a procedure called a D&C(Dilatation and curettage)to remove the tissue. I could not fathom waiting on things to happen, so I choose to have the procedure done. Ive never had any major surgery. I did not know what to expect, but I cannot recall anything after I was wheeled into surgery. They say it is minor, and rarely are there any major risks afterwards. I am feeling fine, physically, I suppose. Things hurt a little, a sharp pain here or there, but of course most of the pain is emotional now. I am still in shock i think, as I went into the dr's pregnant, ready to give my body to this child for 7 more months, and came out knowing that the next day I would be empty. Ive cried and prayed. I know it was nothing I did, but I still feel guilty about every little thing I can think of that may have happened in that 8 week period. Like the first few weeks I had some drinks, a few beers Im sure. I had tons of caffeine, between eating chocolate, drinking coffee and soda and tea. I, of course, had sex...and Im thinking were we too rough somehow!!??!! I was stressing alot once I found out I was pregnant, stressing over everything it seems. Working a lot of OT...Not eating, because I just didnt feel good, and now Im wondering if I should have forced myself to eat something. The dr has already said it couldnt possibly be anything that I did, but I still feel that way. It is good that it happened so early...before I had a chance to actually feel the squirms and kicks....before I had a chance to get to really know him/her. Now I am struggling with how I should feel now.... I am in better spirits now, but find myself still wondering how things would have been. I mean V and I had just gotten used to the idea. I guess now we just need to get used to this new idea. Killa is my heart, but I so liked the idea of him having a new lil brother or sister by his side. I had dreams of a little girl, a gorgeous girl version of Kai, a mini-me, with her daddy's lips, eyebrows and lashes, and a lil bit of both our attitudes to match...lol...it makes me smile to think about it. I think I'll end on that note, with a smile...

Long Days...

It has been a hot minute since the last time. This tiny child growing inside of me is wreaking havoc to my entire body and mind! I have ALL DAY sickness, can barely eat, am extremely exhausted as soon as I step out of bed, and cant seem to hold a thought for longer than a few minutes. But all that said, I do so enjoy being pregnant. There is a surrealness to the whole 9 month journey. I find myself mesmerized by my expanding waistline, gently cupping my beautiful belly with my hands at random throughout the day....Constantly glancing in the mirror at my rounded, glowing face, seeing this baby shining str8 through me already it seems. Its amazing...I am actually scared, eve though Ive done this once already. I know what to expect, but it's like I know things will be different. I think my biggest fear is afterwards. What happens when we bring this new child home? How will Killa react to this new person? How will V and I be once this is all in our face? Will I be able to handle it all? Devoting more time to my studies so that I can teach my children who Jehovah is, being a capable wife and mother, being a strong black woman? Questions that run through my mind as I try to unwind. I have faith in Jehovah and I know I need to rely on that and place it all in His hands. It is just very hard wrapping your mind around all the potential issues that will come with this change. There is a lot to adjust to.... Until the next time....