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Well it has been another long moment since Ive entered the blogging world. I have had a very trying weekend, to say the least.

Updates....

Trivial things:
The house is not even started on yet, but 3 hurricanes in the last month might explain it all... We heard back from our builder and things are due to be taking place soon it seems, within 6 weeks time he says. We shall see...

Still waiting on my pay grade bump. No end in sight to that one either it seems.


More importantly, I lost the baby, or rather, the baby was not there. I had what is called a blighted ovum, where I was initially pregnant, and my uterus grew in size as it should normally, but the fetus, for some reason or another did not. Its very weird. I went in for my first prenatal appt, excited, ready to take on this new life growing inside of me. I wasnt due to have an ultrasound, since I was only 8 weeks along, but the technician had the time that morning, so I was seen. I knew something was wrong, when she kept trying different angles and positions. I knew something wasnt right because I didnt see what I saw when I first saw Killa on that monitor. The technician flat out told me, "this is not good". I went back to see the dr and just as I had feared, there was no baby. The fetus had just stopped growing at some point, probably early on. All that was left was this sac and the yolk, i suppose. I stopped listening after a while. They said they were sorry, but all I heard was NO BABY NO BABY NO BABY. I was too stunned to cry, and i think thats what they expected. I do recall hearing that i needed to make a decision: either wait to miscarry once my body actually realized there was no baby, only this tissue that it did not need to have inside; or I could have a procedure called a D&C(Dilatation and curettage)to remove the tissue. I could not fathom waiting on things to happen, so I choose to have the procedure done. Ive never had any major surgery. I did not know what to expect, but I cannot recall anything after I was wheeled into surgery. They say it is minor, and rarely are there any major risks afterwards. I am feeling fine, physically, I suppose. Things hurt a little, a sharp pain here or there, but of course most of the pain is emotional now. I am still in shock i think, as I went into the dr's pregnant, ready to give my body to this child for 7 more months, and came out knowing that the next day I would be empty. Ive cried and prayed. I know it was nothing I did, but I still feel guilty about every little thing I can think of that may have happened in that 8 week period. Like the first few weeks I had some drinks, a few beers Im sure. I had tons of caffeine, between eating chocolate, drinking coffee and soda and tea. I, of course, had sex...and Im thinking were we too rough somehow!!??!! I was stressing alot once I found out I was pregnant, stressing over everything it seems. Working a lot of OT...Not eating, because I just didnt feel good, and now Im wondering if I should have forced myself to eat something. The dr has already said it couldnt possibly be anything that I did, but I still feel that way. It is good that it happened so early...before I had a chance to actually feel the squirms and kicks....before I had a chance to get to really know him/her. Now I am struggling with how I should feel now.... I am in better spirits now, but find myself still wondering how things would have been. I mean V and I had just gotten used to the idea. I guess now we just need to get used to this new idea. Killa is my heart, but I so liked the idea of him having a new lil brother or sister by his side. I had dreams of a little girl, a gorgeous girl version of Kai, a mini-me, with her daddy's lips, eyebrows and lashes, and a lil bit of both our attitudes to match...lol...it makes me smile to think about it. I think I'll end on that note, with a smile...